Dewey, Cheetum & Howe

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Perspective: Dewey, Cheetum & Howe

It was a pretty good week for Cobber sports. The Lady Cobber basketball team won three more games. And the hockey team continued their march to a playoff spot with two more conference wins. And the track, wrestling and men's basketball teams all had their bright moments.

But, much to my chagrin, I had to face that inevitable scourge of the sporting world, lawyers. Dewey called.

Dewey is a former college buddy who, like so many other undergraduates back then, had countless opportunities to begin a productive, socially useful career after he graduated. Instead, he became a lawyer.

Dewey is now the "Dewey" in Dewey, Cheetum & Howe of Minneapolis. They used to be big in representing prominent criminal defendants, like out-of-town hockey players who got charged with assault just because they took someone's eye out with a stick at a North Stars game.

"We got out of that business," Dewey said. "Too much public outcry. We're representing the military guys in El Salvador now in those priest-killing cases. It's less hassle from a PR standpoint."

I congratulated Dewey on the consistency of his ideals through the years.

"No big deal. Besides, the pay is good."

What do you want, Dewey? "I'm glad you asked, Jer. We think you could help us in a whole new area of litigation we're getting into, indoor sports injuries."

I gotta go Dewey. My contract for next year isn't exactly nailed down and I don't think talking to you will improve my situation.

"Yo, Jer, ol' buddy, relax. This isn't about suing Cobberville. I'd never do that unless it was absolutely necessary to protect the rights of one of my clients."

That's really reassuring, Dewey.

"Listen, here's the situation. We've done some cases for football players who've been injured playing on artificial turf. Knee's, ankles, backs, rug burns that led to serious infection, that sort of stuff. Permanent injuries mostly. Easy cases. It's a piece of cake to convince a jury that the school knew when they put the stuff in that it would cause more injuries."

Dewey, our football team practices and plays on grass.

Besides that, we think we do a pretty good job of minimizing football injuries. By the way, do you still tape all your calls? "Jer, Jer, you got me all wrong. The tapes are just for refreshing my memory for when I write my memoirs.

Listen. This call isn't about football. We've read some studies which show that injuries to athletes on tartan-type basketball surfaces are way higher than on wood surfaces. We're thinking, you know, it might be a whole new area of litigation. Knees, ankles, broken bones, that sort of stuff. They wouldn't be huge cases, like pole vaulting cases. But we'd be dealing with a smarter group of athletes than pole vaulters so the lost-income argument is better."

These are recent studies, you say? "Sort of. So we're looking for cases where a school put in a tartan-type floor, instead of wood, after they knew of the injury risk."

I still don't see why I would want to be having this conversation with you Dewey? "Listen, ol' buddy, you could help us out and we could help you out. You get all those sports-releases from other schools and they mention their injuries. When you hear of a bad one on a tartan-type floor just drop us a little call and we'll do the rest."

That doesn't seem right, Dewey.

"Listen, Jer. We could kick you a little something for the service you would be rendering for us. I'm sure you could use it. Writing and coaching are not exactly at the top of the list when it comes to professional pay."

I don't think I could do that, Dewey.

"OK, Jer, OK. I know you've always been the self-righteous type. So think of it this way. Is it fair that fine athletes have to risk their knees and ankles to play college ball on a dangerous surface just because a school wants to save a few bucks on not putting in a wood floor? Is that any more callous than making football players bang around on a hard rug?"

I confessed to having some sympathy for that argument.

"Think about it, Jer. Maybe you would even get a chance give Moorhead State some trouble. I hear they are your arch-rivals up in your area. And they've got a tartan-type floor."

Just because we compete, Dewey, doesn't mean we hate them.

"Ya, right. Say, by the way, what's the situation with that old plastic floor there at Cobberville?"

We've got some renovation planned soon and they are talking about maybe a wood floor. But I don't think it's decided yet.

"Let me know how that comes out, OK Jer? By the way, do you know the number for the SID at Moorhead State?"

Not off hand, Dewey. Thanks for the call.

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