De-Coding Basketball Previews

11-2-92

by Jerry Pyle

It was a pretty good week for Cobber sports.

The football team scored an impressive win at St. Olaf. A couple of Cobbers earned all-MIAC honors in cross country. And the hockey, basketball and wrestling teams opened practice.

But, lying ahead, is a sordid prospect for sports fans, a November filled with pre-season basketball interviews of coaches who have no intention of saying what they really think.

Fortunately, I, a recovering head coach, am here to make this ordeal more bearable.

Most fans are unaware of the secret book coaches use to make up inoffensive quotes which placate the media types while simultaneously communicating in code with other head coaches.

As a first-time head basketball coach last year, I was allowed a brief look at this closely-guarded tool of the trade. But, since I am now just an assistant again, my access to the book has been cut off. My guilt about having used this book in my dealings with the media has been a great personal burden.

I now realize that I can free myself of guilt only by breaking the Coaches' Oath of Secrecy about the book. I feel I owe that to all those who value the truth. I also owe it to those in the media.

Here, then, is the truth about what coaches really mean when they use certain key phrases to describe their team in the pre-season.

"What they say." (What they mean.)

"The team came back with a great attitude." (Last year's team was lazy and everybody hated everybody else by the end of the season.)

"Everyone is getting along very well." (I haven't announced a starting lineup yet.)

"Last year's 7-20 season didn't bother me because we played hard and learned a lot." (One more year like that and I'm history.)

"We have a lot of talented athletes back." (They just can't dribble, shoot or pass.)

"Our big people can shoot from the outside." (They hate rebounding and all think they should be point guards or shooting guards.)

"We have a good group of freshmen but we're going to be patient and bring them along slowly." (They are already our best players and they'll be in the starting lineup right after we lose our first game.)

"Our system allows for a lot of creativity." (Our guys couldn't remember a set play if their lives depended on it.)

"Our team is young." (We're starting four seniors and one junior.)

"We're going to fast break more this year." (As soon as I see one turnover in transition we're walking it up the rest of the season.)

"We expect to be strong at the guard spots." (Guards are a dime a dozen. Why can't I ever get just one aircraft carrier in the post.)

"We expect Muggsy will be our defensive stopper this year." (The team is under strict orders to never give him the ball on offense and, if he gets it and tries to take a shot, he sits.)

"We're happy about our tough non-conference schedule. We know it will help us get better by pointing out our weaknesses." (The other teams in the league scheduled all the cupcakes we wanted to play and we got stuck playing the good teams. We're going to get killed.)

"Our point guard, Runt, is a real coach on the floor." (He makes his own calls and never runs the plays or defenses we tell him to run.)

"Our shooting guard, Slinger, is a much more complete player this year." (He's still never met a shot he didn't like and we'll be happy if he gets one assist all year.)

"Our post, Bean, is a lot stronger than he looks and I think he'll have a great year." (He'll be lucky if he doesn't get murdered in there and he'll definitely be hospitalized by Christmas.)

"We expect to shoot a lot of three-pointers this year to open things up." (We don't have a single player who can pass to the post.)

"I am really excited about our depth and I won't hesitate to go ten deep in our rotations." (If you see me playing more than seven guys you'll know I've given up the game.)

"We really appreciate the job you guys in the media do in covering our team and if there's anything we can do to help, please let me know." (You guys always give our competition better coverage, we never get the kind of in- depth reporting a program of our caliber deserves and the next time you second-guess me in a story you can forget any more interviews.)

"We're a year or two away from where we want to be, but we're making progress in the program." (We think we can win the title this year. We look awesome in scrimmages against ourselves.)

"I have a great group of assistants and they are really the strength of our program." (They're all full of advice when we're 20 up or 20 down, but when it gets tight they lose all color in their face and they start to stutter.)

These pages are maintained by Jerry Pyle pyle@cord.edu. These articles are copyrighted © and may not be published or reproduced without the express permission of Jerry Pyle.

Return to Perspectives Index Cobber Sports Home Page Concordia Home Page